Forgiveness

Thank you all for the prayers. Know that I have many friends praying for me, including my minister, his wife (who is my best friend) and her mother. I needed to start this blog in the past, but today I will bring you forward several months to the present.

Almost immediately I was able to forgive my husband, but I held onto the hate, the resentment and anger towards her. It was almost a security blanket. When something would trigger a memory of all that had happened, I could turn my anger toward her. He had asked for forgiveness, but she of course hadn't.

That all changed recently when I saw a note she wrote him. She stated that what they had was fun, but they couldn't go down that road again. It wasn't worth ruining the lives of our children, of me, or her family. Right then and there I knew that I had to let go of hating her. I didn't have to like her, but I had to forgive her and move on. Driving in the car a few days later, when I felt the resentment build against her, I spoke it aloud. I forgive you for what you did to us, I don't like you, but I do forgive you.

The power of saying those words, made a huge weight come off my shoulders. I still find myself starting to hate her at times, it's only been a few days since that moment in the car, but I quickly remember that I have forgiven her and I let it drop.

Now, I must focus on learning to trust again. The hardest part of that is, I worked so hard to suppress my suspicions this summer and fall, because I needed to trust my husband. Many days this is easy to do, but when he does something that is out of the ordinary, or has a bad day and is cranky, I start to feel on edge and wonder what he might be hiding.

It's a long road for me to fully trust him, and it's one that he doesn't seem to understand. But I'm praying that he will continue to be honest with me, and that I can learn to trust him again. Prayers are the reason I'm still here in this place, and prayers are what will move us forward.