I haven't posted because life has been absolutely crazy. All of the craziness has essentially served to push what happened far from my mind. The other night though, it all came flooding back, and the rage that I felt scared me. It was short lived as I remembered that it is in the past and I have more important things to work on now.
I haven't decided whether to shut the blog down, or just leave it and write when I feel the need. Either way, don't expect to see much from me. It is not because things are bad, but because our life has become so different that I can't spend time reflecting on the past, and if I do, I generally don't have time to write about it.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Communication
I've been quiet here. Not much to say which is good, I think. The husband and I are busy working on our communication. I've come to realize that I can't assume that he is mad at me when he is in a bad mood. This is a huge step for me, and very very difficult to do. I want to take the blame and try to make it better. I can't. He has to learn to work through these moods, and do it without making me feel horrible.
That has been happening. I ask him if he's upset with me. He says no, he's upset with ______ or upset about _____ . I believe him and we move on. It can be hard. It's especially hard when he needs to yell and curse to get the frustration out. but we are moving forward in talking to each other.
That has been happening. I ask him if he's upset with me. He says no, he's upset with ______ or upset about _____ . I believe him and we move on. It can be hard. It's especially hard when he needs to yell and curse to get the frustration out. but we are moving forward in talking to each other.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sometimes things change quickly
Funny how quickly things can seem so wrong, and then they seem to go so right. I found something that concerns my health yesterday. It took a little bit for what I told my husband to sink in. At first he was concerned mostly about how it could affect our family and him. Then he began asking questions about the tests I am having. And now he is worried about how I'm taking care of myself.
He doesn't do that too often. And many times it's more of a statement. But tonight it was very genuine concern for me. He told me to "Make sure you get yourself some food too." I always do. Then he said, "I just don't think you've been eating enough lately, you need food to stay healthy."
It was sweet, and I haven't eaten much at home lately. I typically get hungry around 3 at work, and eat something then. So by the time I get home, I'm not really hungry and just have a small plate of the dinner I've made for the family.
So I passed up the afternoon snack, and I will eat a good dinner at home!
He doesn't do that too often. And many times it's more of a statement. But tonight it was very genuine concern for me. He told me to "Make sure you get yourself some food too." I always do. Then he said, "I just don't think you've been eating enough lately, you need food to stay healthy."
It was sweet, and I haven't eaten much at home lately. I typically get hungry around 3 at work, and eat something then. So by the time I get home, I'm not really hungry and just have a small plate of the dinner I've made for the family.
So I passed up the afternoon snack, and I will eat a good dinner at home!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Porn is a Problem
I've come to realize that the devil has a very powerful weapon for destroying marriages. Porn. No need to throw temptation at a man, when you can lure him in with discontent. He'll do the rest.
What better to make a husband believe that there is something lacking in his life, than filling his head with images of women that are pretty with fake boobs, doing any number of sexual acts, with any number of guys. And to top it off she's being paid to act like she enjoys it.
Pretty soon, he wonders why his sex life isn't nearly so exciting. He begins to have expectations that no housewife or working mom could possibly fulfill. She can't because she's a real person, with real needs, real desires, and a finite amount of energy. But he doesn't see that. He believes that she should be just like those women, and when she is unable to fulfill that expectation, he feels that he is being slighted. He's missing out on the real fun out there.
Sure he loves his wife, but she's just not meeting his needs. Maybe there is someone else out there that can? And thus there are sites all over the web, for men looking for a fling. Including craigslist.
He'd be furious at me if I did half of what he's done. He doesn't even like the few emails I've sent to a friend 1000's of miles away, because that man lives a very different lifestyle, and he thinks that man is a threat to him. But those rules have never applied to himself. He has no boundaries, but I should have plenty.
I'm not in a good mood today. I'm not in a loving mood today. I'm not in a forgiving mood today.
What better to make a husband believe that there is something lacking in his life, than filling his head with images of women that are pretty with fake boobs, doing any number of sexual acts, with any number of guys. And to top it off she's being paid to act like she enjoys it.
Pretty soon, he wonders why his sex life isn't nearly so exciting. He begins to have expectations that no housewife or working mom could possibly fulfill. She can't because she's a real person, with real needs, real desires, and a finite amount of energy. But he doesn't see that. He believes that she should be just like those women, and when she is unable to fulfill that expectation, he feels that he is being slighted. He's missing out on the real fun out there.
Sure he loves his wife, but she's just not meeting his needs. Maybe there is someone else out there that can? And thus there are sites all over the web, for men looking for a fling. Including craigslist.
He'd be furious at me if I did half of what he's done. He doesn't even like the few emails I've sent to a friend 1000's of miles away, because that man lives a very different lifestyle, and he thinks that man is a threat to him. But those rules have never applied to himself. He has no boundaries, but I should have plenty.
I'm not in a good mood today. I'm not in a loving mood today. I'm not in a forgiving mood today.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Some Days
I posted yesterday about not snooping, not looking, waiting for the worst. Then I discover that he emailed some woman who had a craigslist personal ad. They didn't arrange anything, and he said "No Thanks," but why even send the email? He tells me he reads those because they are funny, but this is ridiculous, I just want to smack him upside his head sometimes.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Snooping
I just read a great article on CNN regarding snooping and the damage it can do in a relationship. My favorite line is: With a partner or a significant other, if you have to snoop, that should be signal No. 1 that there's something wrong.
It's so very true. Generally what leads to the snooping, is that there is a problem. This is difficult for me. I'm trying to learn not to snoop, to not be so suspicious. In a way it became, and at times still is, habit. Out of fear and mistrust I am always looking for what may be out of place. Instead I should be focusing on what is going right.
Waiting and watching for the worst to happen, isn't anyway to live my life. Enjoying what is going right, and working toward keeping that going, will take me much farther!
Lord, help me to appreciate each blessing that comes in our relationship. Help me to enjoy my time with my husband, and remember to tell him that.
It's so very true. Generally what leads to the snooping, is that there is a problem. This is difficult for me. I'm trying to learn not to snoop, to not be so suspicious. In a way it became, and at times still is, habit. Out of fear and mistrust I am always looking for what may be out of place. Instead I should be focusing on what is going right.
Waiting and watching for the worst to happen, isn't anyway to live my life. Enjoying what is going right, and working toward keeping that going, will take me much farther!
Lord, help me to appreciate each blessing that comes in our relationship. Help me to enjoy my time with my husband, and remember to tell him that.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Forgiveness
Thank you all for the prayers. Know that I have many friends praying for me, including my minister, his wife (who is my best friend) and her mother. I needed to start this blog in the past, but today I will bring you forward several months to the present.
Almost immediately I was able to forgive my husband, but I held onto the hate, the resentment and anger towards her. It was almost a security blanket. When something would trigger a memory of all that had happened, I could turn my anger toward her. He had asked for forgiveness, but she of course hadn't.
That all changed recently when I saw a note she wrote him. She stated that what they had was fun, but they couldn't go down that road again. It wasn't worth ruining the lives of our children, of me, or her family. Right then and there I knew that I had to let go of hating her. I didn't have to like her, but I had to forgive her and move on. Driving in the car a few days later, when I felt the resentment build against her, I spoke it aloud. I forgive you for what you did to us, I don't like you, but I do forgive you.
The power of saying those words, made a huge weight come off my shoulders. I still find myself starting to hate her at times, it's only been a few days since that moment in the car, but I quickly remember that I have forgiven her and I let it drop.
Now, I must focus on learning to trust again. The hardest part of that is, I worked so hard to suppress my suspicions this summer and fall, because I needed to trust my husband. Many days this is easy to do, but when he does something that is out of the ordinary, or has a bad day and is cranky, I start to feel on edge and wonder what he might be hiding.
It's a long road for me to fully trust him, and it's one that he doesn't seem to understand. But I'm praying that he will continue to be honest with me, and that I can learn to trust him again. Prayers are the reason I'm still here in this place, and prayers are what will move us forward.
Almost immediately I was able to forgive my husband, but I held onto the hate, the resentment and anger towards her. It was almost a security blanket. When something would trigger a memory of all that had happened, I could turn my anger toward her. He had asked for forgiveness, but she of course hadn't.
That all changed recently when I saw a note she wrote him. She stated that what they had was fun, but they couldn't go down that road again. It wasn't worth ruining the lives of our children, of me, or her family. Right then and there I knew that I had to let go of hating her. I didn't have to like her, but I had to forgive her and move on. Driving in the car a few days later, when I felt the resentment build against her, I spoke it aloud. I forgive you for what you did to us, I don't like you, but I do forgive you.
The power of saying those words, made a huge weight come off my shoulders. I still find myself starting to hate her at times, it's only been a few days since that moment in the car, but I quickly remember that I have forgiven her and I let it drop.
Now, I must focus on learning to trust again. The hardest part of that is, I worked so hard to suppress my suspicions this summer and fall, because I needed to trust my husband. Many days this is easy to do, but when he does something that is out of the ordinary, or has a bad day and is cranky, I start to feel on edge and wonder what he might be hiding.
It's a long road for me to fully trust him, and it's one that he doesn't seem to understand. But I'm praying that he will continue to be honest with me, and that I can learn to trust him again. Prayers are the reason I'm still here in this place, and prayers are what will move us forward.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Truth
I drove to a nearby grocery store and sat in the parking lot. I pondered my next move. I finally decided to drive by one last time, and if no vehicle was there, I'd head back to work.
This time, there was an unknown vehicle near our house. I pulled into the driveway, and quickly headed for the door. Once there I realized that I didn't have my house key out. It took minutes of searching and as I began to unlock the door, he opened it dressed in his pajamas.
I used my excuse to look all over the house, but didn't see her. Yet something didn't feel right. He didn't act right, and I was never out of his sight. I left confused, and determined to find out how I could have missed her.
That evening he had a friend over, and I had the opportunity to read his IM history. An invasion of his privacy, yes, but I had to know. It was all there to read. She was there, in one of the kids' bedrooms, the last place I thought to look, and the only places I had no reason to go into. I waited until his friend left, and confronted him.
He was stunned and tried to deny it, until I began to repeat some of their messages verbatim. He owned up to it, but wouldn't apologize. He left the house for the night, and I called my mom. I was enraged, and later would say that I didn't even cry I was so mad. But now, looking back, sometime after midnight I remember laying on the floor, crying and praying. Crying for all that had been lost, for years of marriage down the drain, for the inevitable pain it would cause the kids.
In the morning I was still angry, and so was he. He tried to hide his tears as he kissed the kids goodbye for the day, then turned on me. He knew I was going to poison them against him. It didn't matter all the conversations we'd had earlier in the summer when my friend's ex was using her daughter to get back at her. We discussed that neither of us would do that. No, he was sure that was my goal, no matter how much I tried to reassure him.
I had a few more angry phone calls that morning before it hit him. He finally realized what he stood to lose, all because he was thinking with the wrong head. Quickly he turned to tears, to sobbing, asking me to reconsider, asking for a chance to make things right. His change of heart caused me to falter, and I told him I'd have to think about it.
What I meant was I needed to pray about it. No matter how much he sobbed, I still wasn't sure if he was sorry for what he had done, or sorry that he had been caught. So I prayed that God would give me His path, His answer to what I should do. I knew my answer, but I couldn't go it alone. I also had several friends praying for me. By the time I arrived home that evening, I knew what to do.
I didn't like it, but I knew that God wanted me to stick this through, to try and work it out. I didn't know why, but I knew my husband was definitely depressed, something I'd known for awhile and had been unsuccessful at getting him to see it. So I had my list of what had to happen. Counseling, anti-depressants, and no more contact with her. He agreed.
I wish I could say today that all of those are happening, but they are not. He is on the anti-depressants, and for that I am thankful. We did have a counseling session, but cost got in the way of more. That one session though has helped us to start talking, and we are back on much better terms with each other. The part we still struggle with, her.
This time, there was an unknown vehicle near our house. I pulled into the driveway, and quickly headed for the door. Once there I realized that I didn't have my house key out. It took minutes of searching and as I began to unlock the door, he opened it dressed in his pajamas.
I used my excuse to look all over the house, but didn't see her. Yet something didn't feel right. He didn't act right, and I was never out of his sight. I left confused, and determined to find out how I could have missed her.
That evening he had a friend over, and I had the opportunity to read his IM history. An invasion of his privacy, yes, but I had to know. It was all there to read. She was there, in one of the kids' bedrooms, the last place I thought to look, and the only places I had no reason to go into. I waited until his friend left, and confronted him.
He was stunned and tried to deny it, until I began to repeat some of their messages verbatim. He owned up to it, but wouldn't apologize. He left the house for the night, and I called my mom. I was enraged, and later would say that I didn't even cry I was so mad. But now, looking back, sometime after midnight I remember laying on the floor, crying and praying. Crying for all that had been lost, for years of marriage down the drain, for the inevitable pain it would cause the kids.
In the morning I was still angry, and so was he. He tried to hide his tears as he kissed the kids goodbye for the day, then turned on me. He knew I was going to poison them against him. It didn't matter all the conversations we'd had earlier in the summer when my friend's ex was using her daughter to get back at her. We discussed that neither of us would do that. No, he was sure that was my goal, no matter how much I tried to reassure him.
I had a few more angry phone calls that morning before it hit him. He finally realized what he stood to lose, all because he was thinking with the wrong head. Quickly he turned to tears, to sobbing, asking me to reconsider, asking for a chance to make things right. His change of heart caused me to falter, and I told him I'd have to think about it.
What I meant was I needed to pray about it. No matter how much he sobbed, I still wasn't sure if he was sorry for what he had done, or sorry that he had been caught. So I prayed that God would give me His path, His answer to what I should do. I knew my answer, but I couldn't go it alone. I also had several friends praying for me. By the time I arrived home that evening, I knew what to do.
I didn't like it, but I knew that God wanted me to stick this through, to try and work it out. I didn't know why, but I knew my husband was definitely depressed, something I'd known for awhile and had been unsuccessful at getting him to see it. So I had my list of what had to happen. Counseling, anti-depressants, and no more contact with her. He agreed.
I wish I could say today that all of those are happening, but they are not. He is on the anti-depressants, and for that I am thankful. We did have a counseling session, but cost got in the way of more. That one session though has helped us to start talking, and we are back on much better terms with each other. The part we still struggle with, her.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Opportunity
I refused to confront him with my suspicions. I knew if I did, I would be laughed at, told I was crazy. So I waited and waited. My opportunity came when I least suspected it.
While checking on an email he asked me to send for him, I saw a message from her. Because she hit reply, his message was also there. I knew that they were planning to meet up the next day. I knew where, and I knew when. At last I had my chance to prove that something was going on.
That evening was almost painful, doing everything I would normally do. Feed the family, kids to bed, and getting ready for the next day. When morning came, I was sick. I felt my insides in knots that I thought would never come undone.
I couldn't eat a thing for fear of not keeping it down. So I stuck to black coffee, and lots of it. I turned to my friend at work for moral support. I asked two of my best friends to pray for me. I prayed like crazy that none of this was real. But, I was as ready as I could possibly be. I was going to do it, I was going to catch them, and then it would all be over.
The minutes on the clock went slowly as I waited for my time to leave. My heart raced, and my feet and fingers tapped. I was on edge and amped up for the confrontation. I already had my innocent reason for being there all lined up. It was our home, which made it easy. The time to leave arrived, and I headed for home. The home that would not be a home in a short time.
I took the street the back way so that I could have a good view of the house and any vehicles that might be there. I crept up toward it, only to find no extra vehicles. She wasn't there yet. I turned around and parked on a side street where I would be able to see her pass.
If I thought waiting at work was excruciating, this was torture. I waited and waited. No vehicles passed that I didn't recognize as a neighbor's. I was beginning to garner strange and suspicious looks from a woman out doing her gardening. I wanted to explain, but what could I say? "Hi, I'm actually your neighbor a block over, and I'm not caseing the houses in the neighborhood. Don't worry, I'm just trying to catch my husband and his lover in the act." No, I had waited long enough. Maybe they canceled at the last minute. Maybe this was all a waste of time. Dejected, I started the car and prayed that his ex's vehicle would pass me as I slowly drove off.
While checking on an email he asked me to send for him, I saw a message from her. Because she hit reply, his message was also there. I knew that they were planning to meet up the next day. I knew where, and I knew when. At last I had my chance to prove that something was going on.
That evening was almost painful, doing everything I would normally do. Feed the family, kids to bed, and getting ready for the next day. When morning came, I was sick. I felt my insides in knots that I thought would never come undone.
I couldn't eat a thing for fear of not keeping it down. So I stuck to black coffee, and lots of it. I turned to my friend at work for moral support. I asked two of my best friends to pray for me. I prayed like crazy that none of this was real. But, I was as ready as I could possibly be. I was going to do it, I was going to catch them, and then it would all be over.
The minutes on the clock went slowly as I waited for my time to leave. My heart raced, and my feet and fingers tapped. I was on edge and amped up for the confrontation. I already had my innocent reason for being there all lined up. It was our home, which made it easy. The time to leave arrived, and I headed for home. The home that would not be a home in a short time.
I took the street the back way so that I could have a good view of the house and any vehicles that might be there. I crept up toward it, only to find no extra vehicles. She wasn't there yet. I turned around and parked on a side street where I would be able to see her pass.
If I thought waiting at work was excruciating, this was torture. I waited and waited. No vehicles passed that I didn't recognize as a neighbor's. I was beginning to garner strange and suspicious looks from a woman out doing her gardening. I wanted to explain, but what could I say? "Hi, I'm actually your neighbor a block over, and I'm not caseing the houses in the neighborhood. Don't worry, I'm just trying to catch my husband and his lover in the act." No, I had waited long enough. Maybe they canceled at the last minute. Maybe this was all a waste of time. Dejected, I started the car and prayed that his ex's vehicle would pass me as I slowly drove off.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Suspicion
I would like to say that from the beginning I knew it was happening. But that wouldn't be true. I knew that he was talking to her. I knew that those convos definitely bordered on the inappropriate. But it wasn't until August when I suspected that they had slept together. Even then, I didn't want to believe it. We had been down a similar road before. I couldn't believe that he was lying to me.
You see, she was there before me. She is the ex, the ex that has never left. Always scheming, always trying to have him back. When we were first married she showed up. She claimed her daughter was his. She made every effort to be a friend to us, yet I didn't trust her. Not when she contaced him and went to our home while I was on a business trip. Especially not when she lied to my face about having never been to our place. I wondered just what had happened while I was gone. He had fooled around with a girl before this time, so I struggled with his version of what happened while I was gone.
When contact was made with her again toward the end of 2007, I wasn't happy, but felt secure in my place. We had a family, a home and we worked through any issues we had in our marriage. By spring of 2008 my husband began to change. While he always had a short temper, being around him was like walking on egg shells. I never knew what would set him off, when he would blow.
He never laid a hand on me, but his words would slice right through me. I was a lazy bitch, I needed to lose weight, I never did anything right. I soon realized that there was another side to this, when I said anything negative about her I was wrong. She came up in our conversations often. Being stacked up constantly to the ex and losing began to take it's toll. The more his temper grew, the more I avoided him. I found myself doing anything to keep me and the kids away from him.
Do not think in those actions I am a coward, because at times I would take him head on. The fights never went anywhere, but I would call him on his horrible behavior, his name calling, and what the children would learn from him. I only made him more angry, but it felt good to stand up to him.
It was August when he slipped up and said something that told me in my head that they had been together, but my heart didn't want to believe it, and so I pushed it from my mind.
You see, she was there before me. She is the ex, the ex that has never left. Always scheming, always trying to have him back. When we were first married she showed up. She claimed her daughter was his. She made every effort to be a friend to us, yet I didn't trust her. Not when she contaced him and went to our home while I was on a business trip. Especially not when she lied to my face about having never been to our place. I wondered just what had happened while I was gone. He had fooled around with a girl before this time, so I struggled with his version of what happened while I was gone.
When contact was made with her again toward the end of 2007, I wasn't happy, but felt secure in my place. We had a family, a home and we worked through any issues we had in our marriage. By spring of 2008 my husband began to change. While he always had a short temper, being around him was like walking on egg shells. I never knew what would set him off, when he would blow.
He never laid a hand on me, but his words would slice right through me. I was a lazy bitch, I needed to lose weight, I never did anything right. I soon realized that there was another side to this, when I said anything negative about her I was wrong. She came up in our conversations often. Being stacked up constantly to the ex and losing began to take it's toll. The more his temper grew, the more I avoided him. I found myself doing anything to keep me and the kids away from him.
Do not think in those actions I am a coward, because at times I would take him head on. The fights never went anywhere, but I would call him on his horrible behavior, his name calling, and what the children would learn from him. I only made him more angry, but it felt good to stand up to him.
It was August when he slipped up and said something that told me in my head that they had been together, but my heart didn't want to believe it, and so I pushed it from my mind.
The End or The Beginning
It has been months since the truth came out. I am the wife, but so often I feel like the other woman. We are trying to move past this, or at least I am. In order to do that, there are so many things I need to work through. So many feelings, so much that still needs to change in our marriage. My best therapy is writing, and I will tell you my story. May it help you see what damage an affair can do, or help you if you are struggling after an affair has touched your marriage.
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