I haven't posted because life has been absolutely crazy. All of the craziness has essentially served to push what happened far from my mind. The other night though, it all came flooding back, and the rage that I felt scared me. It was short lived as I remembered that it is in the past and I have more important things to work on now.
I haven't decided whether to shut the blog down, or just leave it and write when I feel the need. Either way, don't expect to see much from me. It is not because things are bad, but because our life has become so different that I can't spend time reflecting on the past, and if I do, I generally don't have time to write about it.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Communication
I've been quiet here. Not much to say which is good, I think. The husband and I are busy working on our communication. I've come to realize that I can't assume that he is mad at me when he is in a bad mood. This is a huge step for me, and very very difficult to do. I want to take the blame and try to make it better. I can't. He has to learn to work through these moods, and do it without making me feel horrible.
That has been happening. I ask him if he's upset with me. He says no, he's upset with ______ or upset about _____ . I believe him and we move on. It can be hard. It's especially hard when he needs to yell and curse to get the frustration out. but we are moving forward in talking to each other.
That has been happening. I ask him if he's upset with me. He says no, he's upset with ______ or upset about _____ . I believe him and we move on. It can be hard. It's especially hard when he needs to yell and curse to get the frustration out. but we are moving forward in talking to each other.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sometimes things change quickly
Funny how quickly things can seem so wrong, and then they seem to go so right. I found something that concerns my health yesterday. It took a little bit for what I told my husband to sink in. At first he was concerned mostly about how it could affect our family and him. Then he began asking questions about the tests I am having. And now he is worried about how I'm taking care of myself.
He doesn't do that too often. And many times it's more of a statement. But tonight it was very genuine concern for me. He told me to "Make sure you get yourself some food too." I always do. Then he said, "I just don't think you've been eating enough lately, you need food to stay healthy."
It was sweet, and I haven't eaten much at home lately. I typically get hungry around 3 at work, and eat something then. So by the time I get home, I'm not really hungry and just have a small plate of the dinner I've made for the family.
So I passed up the afternoon snack, and I will eat a good dinner at home!
He doesn't do that too often. And many times it's more of a statement. But tonight it was very genuine concern for me. He told me to "Make sure you get yourself some food too." I always do. Then he said, "I just don't think you've been eating enough lately, you need food to stay healthy."
It was sweet, and I haven't eaten much at home lately. I typically get hungry around 3 at work, and eat something then. So by the time I get home, I'm not really hungry and just have a small plate of the dinner I've made for the family.
So I passed up the afternoon snack, and I will eat a good dinner at home!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Porn is a Problem
I've come to realize that the devil has a very powerful weapon for destroying marriages. Porn. No need to throw temptation at a man, when you can lure him in with discontent. He'll do the rest.
What better to make a husband believe that there is something lacking in his life, than filling his head with images of women that are pretty with fake boobs, doing any number of sexual acts, with any number of guys. And to top it off she's being paid to act like she enjoys it.
Pretty soon, he wonders why his sex life isn't nearly so exciting. He begins to have expectations that no housewife or working mom could possibly fulfill. She can't because she's a real person, with real needs, real desires, and a finite amount of energy. But he doesn't see that. He believes that she should be just like those women, and when she is unable to fulfill that expectation, he feels that he is being slighted. He's missing out on the real fun out there.
Sure he loves his wife, but she's just not meeting his needs. Maybe there is someone else out there that can? And thus there are sites all over the web, for men looking for a fling. Including craigslist.
He'd be furious at me if I did half of what he's done. He doesn't even like the few emails I've sent to a friend 1000's of miles away, because that man lives a very different lifestyle, and he thinks that man is a threat to him. But those rules have never applied to himself. He has no boundaries, but I should have plenty.
I'm not in a good mood today. I'm not in a loving mood today. I'm not in a forgiving mood today.
What better to make a husband believe that there is something lacking in his life, than filling his head with images of women that are pretty with fake boobs, doing any number of sexual acts, with any number of guys. And to top it off she's being paid to act like she enjoys it.
Pretty soon, he wonders why his sex life isn't nearly so exciting. He begins to have expectations that no housewife or working mom could possibly fulfill. She can't because she's a real person, with real needs, real desires, and a finite amount of energy. But he doesn't see that. He believes that she should be just like those women, and when she is unable to fulfill that expectation, he feels that he is being slighted. He's missing out on the real fun out there.
Sure he loves his wife, but she's just not meeting his needs. Maybe there is someone else out there that can? And thus there are sites all over the web, for men looking for a fling. Including craigslist.
He'd be furious at me if I did half of what he's done. He doesn't even like the few emails I've sent to a friend 1000's of miles away, because that man lives a very different lifestyle, and he thinks that man is a threat to him. But those rules have never applied to himself. He has no boundaries, but I should have plenty.
I'm not in a good mood today. I'm not in a loving mood today. I'm not in a forgiving mood today.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Some Days
I posted yesterday about not snooping, not looking, waiting for the worst. Then I discover that he emailed some woman who had a craigslist personal ad. They didn't arrange anything, and he said "No Thanks," but why even send the email? He tells me he reads those because they are funny, but this is ridiculous, I just want to smack him upside his head sometimes.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Snooping
I just read a great article on CNN regarding snooping and the damage it can do in a relationship. My favorite line is: With a partner or a significant other, if you have to snoop, that should be signal No. 1 that there's something wrong.
It's so very true. Generally what leads to the snooping, is that there is a problem. This is difficult for me. I'm trying to learn not to snoop, to not be so suspicious. In a way it became, and at times still is, habit. Out of fear and mistrust I am always looking for what may be out of place. Instead I should be focusing on what is going right.
Waiting and watching for the worst to happen, isn't anyway to live my life. Enjoying what is going right, and working toward keeping that going, will take me much farther!
Lord, help me to appreciate each blessing that comes in our relationship. Help me to enjoy my time with my husband, and remember to tell him that.
It's so very true. Generally what leads to the snooping, is that there is a problem. This is difficult for me. I'm trying to learn not to snoop, to not be so suspicious. In a way it became, and at times still is, habit. Out of fear and mistrust I am always looking for what may be out of place. Instead I should be focusing on what is going right.
Waiting and watching for the worst to happen, isn't anyway to live my life. Enjoying what is going right, and working toward keeping that going, will take me much farther!
Lord, help me to appreciate each blessing that comes in our relationship. Help me to enjoy my time with my husband, and remember to tell him that.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Forgiveness
Thank you all for the prayers. Know that I have many friends praying for me, including my minister, his wife (who is my best friend) and her mother. I needed to start this blog in the past, but today I will bring you forward several months to the present.
Almost immediately I was able to forgive my husband, but I held onto the hate, the resentment and anger towards her. It was almost a security blanket. When something would trigger a memory of all that had happened, I could turn my anger toward her. He had asked for forgiveness, but she of course hadn't.
That all changed recently when I saw a note she wrote him. She stated that what they had was fun, but they couldn't go down that road again. It wasn't worth ruining the lives of our children, of me, or her family. Right then and there I knew that I had to let go of hating her. I didn't have to like her, but I had to forgive her and move on. Driving in the car a few days later, when I felt the resentment build against her, I spoke it aloud. I forgive you for what you did to us, I don't like you, but I do forgive you.
The power of saying those words, made a huge weight come off my shoulders. I still find myself starting to hate her at times, it's only been a few days since that moment in the car, but I quickly remember that I have forgiven her and I let it drop.
Now, I must focus on learning to trust again. The hardest part of that is, I worked so hard to suppress my suspicions this summer and fall, because I needed to trust my husband. Many days this is easy to do, but when he does something that is out of the ordinary, or has a bad day and is cranky, I start to feel on edge and wonder what he might be hiding.
It's a long road for me to fully trust him, and it's one that he doesn't seem to understand. But I'm praying that he will continue to be honest with me, and that I can learn to trust him again. Prayers are the reason I'm still here in this place, and prayers are what will move us forward.
Almost immediately I was able to forgive my husband, but I held onto the hate, the resentment and anger towards her. It was almost a security blanket. When something would trigger a memory of all that had happened, I could turn my anger toward her. He had asked for forgiveness, but she of course hadn't.
That all changed recently when I saw a note she wrote him. She stated that what they had was fun, but they couldn't go down that road again. It wasn't worth ruining the lives of our children, of me, or her family. Right then and there I knew that I had to let go of hating her. I didn't have to like her, but I had to forgive her and move on. Driving in the car a few days later, when I felt the resentment build against her, I spoke it aloud. I forgive you for what you did to us, I don't like you, but I do forgive you.
The power of saying those words, made a huge weight come off my shoulders. I still find myself starting to hate her at times, it's only been a few days since that moment in the car, but I quickly remember that I have forgiven her and I let it drop.
Now, I must focus on learning to trust again. The hardest part of that is, I worked so hard to suppress my suspicions this summer and fall, because I needed to trust my husband. Many days this is easy to do, but when he does something that is out of the ordinary, or has a bad day and is cranky, I start to feel on edge and wonder what he might be hiding.
It's a long road for me to fully trust him, and it's one that he doesn't seem to understand. But I'm praying that he will continue to be honest with me, and that I can learn to trust him again. Prayers are the reason I'm still here in this place, and prayers are what will move us forward.
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